Not My Finest Hour

So please play for me a sad melody
So sad that it makes everybody cry-y-y-y
A real hurtin' song about a love that's gone wrong
'cause I don't want to cry all alone
                                                                          Larry Butler/Chips Morman

I wish I wasn't always wrong
I wish it wasn't always my fault
The finger that you're pointing
Has knocked me on my knees
And all you need to know is

I'm so sorry, it's not like me
It's maturity that I'm lacking
So don't, don't let me go
Just let me know that growing up goes slow

I wonder what my mom and dad would say
If I told them that I cry each day
It's hard enough to live so far away

I wish it wasn't always cold
I wish I wasn't always alone
When the party is over,
How will I get home?
                                                                     Christina Perri/David Hodges

Ok, so today I screwed up. Not sure how else to say it, and I don’t know why, maybe it’s the full moon. 

The day started out with a conflict about, well, about everything like usual. Wanted to keep his pj’s with him (but he did change), not wanting to eat breakfast (but he did eat the last of the spaghetti, and that is a breakthrough, him eating the last bit of something), not wanting to wash his dish (he did in the end). The list goes on. 

He really wanted to go to the dinosaur park. It is a long narrow park with big sculptures of dinosaurs and some playground equipment and trampolines and such. It costs one sole for adults and two soles for kids 11 and under. Aodhan found the merry-go-round, or spinny thing or whatever you call that round thing with bars that you spin and jump on and hang on. This one was like the one in Bolivia. It had seats around the outside, and a horizontal wheel in the middle that you turn to make it go faster. There were three little boys all around 8 years old on it. They had it going pretty fast. Aodhan got on, and made it go even faster. I love parks here, they’re so safe. He spun it faster and faster and the boys were having a great time, that is, until one of them centrifuged out and flew off the carousel ass first. The boy was upset and shaken, but otherwise unhurt.  Although I’m sure his backside will be bruised where he bounce across the dirt. I have to admit, it was funny to watch. I think that kid will hang on a lot tighter next time he goes on one of those. Aodhan apologized to him, he really was sorry. He spun the carousel a few more times alone. The other boys had evacuated when their friend had went flying. I looked across, and there was another boy sobbing. He had gone on a zip-line where you put your foot in a loop at the end of a rope and hang on. He didn’t hang on, but his ankle did as it slipped through the foothold. The playground equipment here really separates the tough kids from the quiet ones.

We did some grocery shopping and came home. I’m not sure why, but I made a big pan of french fries. I guess maybe I have post traumatic stress issues to deal with? In reality, I’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure. My anxiety is high, and sometimes I do stuff that I don’t understand, like cooking a big pan of fries. 

Yesenia had invited us to supper, and I almost, for no reason, wanted to decline the offer. I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t. Maybe again, it’s stress, depression from stress, related. 

I stopped at the store and grabbed some candies and snacks for the kids. We went to Yesenia’s and the kids watched a movie and we ate. Aodhan didn’t like the food, because it was an “Italian Salad”. Never heard of this one. Iceberg lettuce, pineapple, sliced meat chopped up, chicken and mayo. I dunno, maybe when I hear Italian salad I think caprese. But Aodhan wouldn’t eat it, I didn’t even try. But he was happy just with his potatoes. He was being really good. 

The tension was a little high at their house, because their younger son was acting up. He had to sit in the kitchen during dinner. Maybe this tension triggered my disquiet. But there had been something wrong all day. Maybe the pressure of being the best I can be all the time is getting to me. Like I said, maybe the full moon, or maybe I’m just tired of having my whole life revolve around Aodhan.

Here’s where I fuck up. I have to say it, because I did, and I still can’t figure out why. I told him he had to wash his plate. Why? I don’t really know. Did I think he was going to do it? Did I think he was ready for this step? No. But there I was. I could hear myself telling him that if he wasn’t going to take his plate in the kitchen, we could just go home. And I knew I was wrong. Then I felt as if I was suffocating, and then there I was, hauling his ass out of there. Why? I knew I shouldn’t, I knew It wasn’t the right thing to do. We got outside and he was really agitated. Here I was, expecting him to act more mature than me. “We are leaving” I said in even low tones to him. Maybe I expected him to see that I wasn’t coping? I’m not sure. “No!” he cried, “no”. We didn’t take our lemonade. I knew it wasn’t the lemonade, I knew it was the fact that he wanted to stay. “No, you’re acting four years old” I said to him, but how old was I acting? I just wanted someone to break the downward spiral I was in, I knew it. I couldn’t change what I was doing, I couldn’t figure out how or why I was doing it. He slapped me. He hit me hard across the face and head twice. He stared at me. “There”, he said, “now we can go”. Am I creating a monster. Why? Over a dirty plate? 

We went out the gate, and I told him he could sleep in the streets. He said he was going back in to get his lemonade. I dragged him home. He apologized for hitting me, and said he was really sorry and he shouldn’t ever do that. But said he said he didn’t apologize for not washing his dish. He said he needs it to stay there, and we came to an agreement that at someones house, he will wash his dish just before he leaves if it can just stay there on the table for a while. He also agreed that he will wash his dish if he can keep it with him on the table for almost an hour to make sure he has time to finish everything. Overall, I think good came out of this, but I think we lost out on something much better. I wish there was some way to go back and replay this evening, some way to repair the damage. Maybe Yesenia will invite me back again some time and we can try again. This time we will discuss expectations and concerns before we go. Maybe I should have taken a bottle of wine again, maybe next time I’ll have several glasses before I go.

And tomorrow is shower day...

The Merry-Go-Round. The boy in orange who is not wearing a hat is the one who went flying.

The dinosaur park